The Fear

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I have social anxiety. I am not diagnosed nor am I currently under the care of a counselor or psychologist. I don’t need those things to tell me that I’m terrified of socializing with people.

It’s not an easy thing to live with. It’s painful. Most days I feel trapped in my own body, desperate to get out and connect with the world. Dying to muster up the courage to get my own words out. Or just simply stuck in a combative strife of finding my words, as my brain has decided to go blank.

Some may assume that I’m a dark loner who has no friends or connection with the outside world, but that isn’t true either. When I need to be social, as a mom, an employer, a supporter, a party goer, I can muster up the courage; ignore the fear for the time being.

I can pretend for a little while. The fear will come on strong afterwards, invading my brain with whatever possible fear or mistake I think I have made while being amongst people. Every awkward moment, every wrong comment, every conversation I watched go so much smoother than my own. And then the judgment, my own assumption of those around me as I assume they brush me off and move on to someone else.

So here I am, a socially anxious girl who just can’t take it anymore. It’s becoming too painful. Too painful to watch those around me become friends and share laughs and socialize together while I sit on the sidelines. But more than anything, I don’t want my daughters to grow up and become me.

So today this blog will become my own way of transforming myself. I will probably always have these fears, but I want to find a way to break through them, to keep them on the sidelines, as I live this one and only beautiful life.

 

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